Sunday, September 30, 2012

Demystifying "he/she completes me"

How many of you have spent your time, energy and resources looking for that "one" that  completes you?  I am in the space to address this idea and break it down, especially for those of us who are dating, yet, then again, if you're in a relationship, partnership, marriage and you can glean something, then by all means, glean away.

Why wouldn't we entertain the idea..... the famous verbage quoted by Tom Cruise's character in 'Jerry Maguire' "You complete me".....   or take RnB songs, like Keyshia Cole's "You Complete Me"(You Complete Me - listen to the lyrics)

The idea implies that I am not enough on my own, or that you are not enough on your own.  Its a deceptive road.... because I came into this world solo and I am leaving it solo, so I had better be enough.  Whether you live by a faith in a higher power or not, being complete on our own is where its at.  I believe in a source greater than myself, that I am connected to that source, just as you are... which leads me to believe that I am enough just as I am.  I haven't always thought this though.  I remember adoring a guy whom I was good friends with, convinced he was the one, I wrote in my journal... "I need him"  A year later, I read that journal post only to find that isn't true...and that my real quest was not finding someone to love, or someone to complete me, but rather to find me, to love and honor me.  How can I really love someone else if  i do not know how to love myself?

I have seen the co-dependency in this idea played out so many times.... take the girl who broke up with her boyfriend of fours years because of his drug addiction.... my friend got so lost in the relationship, she lost herself.... so if a relationship completes you, how come she got lost?

Maybe you've seen it too.  Not necessarily in a relationship gone awry either.  How about the married couple.... happily married, and one dies unexpectedly (or expectedly)....  two become one, yes, yet its still meant to be a compliment to what is already there. Two wholes coming together to strengthen the purpose of their existence.  I am in no way implying that the one who remains won't grieve.  I am saying that the one left behind to continue living, have a love for their "self" that compels them to life.

I would assert that a relationship is meant to add to your life, not take away or diminish.... perhaps that's what the writer in Jerry Maguire and the writer to the lyrics of the song intended in meaning.... that this relationship adds to my life....  I am learning, as I am dating,  that I do not need a man to accomplish great things in my life, to be whole, to be enough, because I am all of that already, yet how amazing, and special is it to have another in my life to share that with, to grow with to live life with.  What an honor to share that with another....  no moment is guaranteed... in dating, in marriage, in friendship.

With that said, love you and know that who you are is perfect just as you are....  for all that you are.

Best wishes....

Wednesday, September 26, 2012

Honor in Dating

Honor was an obscure thought for me, something I could not really wrap my head around. I had only heard it in association with "honor your mother and father".... and even with that I did not understand how to.  What is honor?  What is it to honor someone?

My thesaurus says it is to respect or esteem shown one as his due or claimed by one as a right; reverence; homage, etc....

I have learned what it is to honor another by learning how to honor myself.  The importance is two-fold, I learn how to let someone else know how to treat me and I learn how to honor someone else, because I honor myself.  Honoring myself includes understanding my physical, emotional, mental and spiritual needs.  I need rest, nourishment (food).  I need words of affirmation, acknowledgment of what i give or provide in a relationship.  I need (heather) time- hiking by myself, a new pair of heels once or twice a year, space to write, and girl time.  I honor this time for myself.  I honor my needs, and now am consciously aware of others needs as it relates to relationships.  My understanding has removed my attachment to how someone shows up.  Maybe he needs sleep, or time to focus. I can trust that this man  does what he does to be able to provide for what we do together.  Therefore, I honor his time, his need for sleep, to focus.....even if it means delayed gratification of play-time.  Honoring another puts me in a position to focus on giving and sitting in a place of gratitude for what is, versus looking at what's missing.  Honoring yourself and the person you are dating, allows the love energy to flow, and gives each person the opportunity to give from a place of TRUE CHOICE versus obligation.

1. Are you honoring yourself?
2. How can you honor the person you are dating? (in relationship with, hanging out with, etc.)
3. Consider what needs you can honor (with yourself) that you might not have considered.