Monday, December 31, 2012

New Year, New You

New Year, New You....that's the general consensus of how this is supposed to go down, right?  Resolutions, goals, etc.... this year will be different, and God willing it will be, yet please know that different comes by doing something different.  I'd like to venture into accepting all of YOU this year, which will absolutely support you in accepting others, including that significant other you are dating, hope to date, want to meet, or perhaps someone you become really great friends with.  Acceptance is a noble task, because it means I get to look at ALL of me...those qualities I adore and those I am not too proud to shout from the mountain tops....  Who readily jumps up and exclaims their mistakes, faults, shortcomings, addictions and the like?  Love, however, looks at all of me.... Love dives in when others turn their is that resilient quality, like a blanket, that covers over emotional outbursts, fears, "mistakes".... Love is also that thing that tells me like it is, whether its comfortable or a mirror, I can then see myself clearly.  Relationships may not be easy, yet the fruit they yield from all the investments (time, love, energy, forgiveness, communication, love, love, love) is soooo worth it.

Dating makes for a GREAT mirror..... this last year I've not only seen what works and doesn't work for me in a companion/partner/lover.... I have also been allowed to see what works and doesn't work in my approach to communicating and asking for what I need...  Here comes the acceptance.  It is what it is.  I cannot go back and change those instances. I needed them and they were all perfect.  I did what I could do in those moments....  I am valuable, lovable, whole and perfect as I am.  Who I am is enough.  Attempt to swallow that on an empty stomach. In fact, I encourage you to look yourself in the mirror and recite that aloud... yes....say aloud, "WHO I AM IS ENOUGH"....  

Then let 2013 unfold as it needs to.... step up to bat when its your turn..... listen to your heart.... be true to yourself.... embrace the courage already within you.... hear a good word..... and accept YOU.... because you are beautifully and wonderfully made....

Cheers to you and your dating adventures.....may love continuously bloom in your life as a whole.

Much love & Aloha

~ hp

Monday, December 24, 2012

Dating during the holidays

Happy Holiday everyone!  My family is a bit diverse. My aunt who grew up Catholic married her college sweetheart who is Jewish...I enjoy the diversity and the history and the culture.  I have celebrated Christmas all my life. Although we didn't go to church regularly when I was a kid, my Dad always read the bible and reminded me how important faith is. I hold that close to me and believe my faith in a Higher Power is my strength.  God has loved me when others judged or condemned me.  I have learned a lot about love and's not all about me.  I believe that applies to dating during the holidays....I am working on remembering to honor those who are in my life and what I'm building.  Considering what's important to someone else is a huge factor. I have friends that want to get me gifts of their choice, and have disregarded what I've said I need or like.  I realize at that point its about them and not me. I see how loving someone the way I think love is could be similar, or visa versa.  His/her needs may be different than yours; he/she may feel loved by some act that seems irrelevant to you.  Is it about you or them? How willing am I (or you) to learn and grow with that person?  The relationship is a gift offered to us by something greater than ourselves for our growth and edification as people.  Does he/she make you better?  Do they call you on your b/s?  Do they hear you?  Are you hearing them?

I am getting ready to go to dinner with my younger cousins are married or engaged.  I am single...although dating and closer to creating a relationship that is fulfilling on all sides....still single.  This year I fear the question, "when are you getting married?"  or "why are you still single?"  Yes, I like men.  Hahaha!

I would love to hear your stories about dating during the holidays or being single during the holidays..... this conversation can go so many directions.  :)

Sunday, December 16, 2012

Blind Dates

I finished reading 'Have I Got a Guy for You: what really happens when Mom fixes you up' Edited by Alix Strauss. I did not know what to expect upon reading this book. My friend Jean gave it to me.  Jean is one of my dearest friends. She is my Mom's age.  She gave it to me for my birthday. My first thought was, "Oh God, not another book on dating.  Haven't I read enough books, gone to enough workshops.....argggh".  Now mind you, I had stopped seeing someone the month before, which left me wondering about a lot of things and questioning myself. I did come out of that on top, remembering who I am.  I wanted to be mad at myself for caring about someone who hardly cared about himself, until another dear friend reminded me that my level of care is one of the beautiful things about me.  I dropped my hammer and forgave myself, as well as acknowledged how beautiful it is to care for someone.  How sad that he was not able to receive.  All of that to say when Jean gave me this book, I was done, like, I don't have time to read this mess.  Ha!  A month later, I arduously picked up the book and dove in.... and much like many highschool "mandatory" readings, I found myself enjoying the book.  It is compiled of twenty-five (25) short stories.  I would read one here and there to start. Nearly 1/4 of the way in, I was reading two (2) stories at a time.  I laughed reading how these Mother's wanted their daughters (successful women who were dating, just not fast enough or to their mother's taste) to be married, and so they set them up.  My Mother has not ever set me up (THANK GOD), however, I have been on blind dates (although those occurred in the church I was a part of) and I have been on less than happy dates since I started (seriously) dating two (2) years ago.  One guy I met appeared reasonable, although the blow pop raised a concern, especially because he was 44 years old.  I gave him a shot only to find my concern valid.... he had an addictive personality.  Note to any men reading this, a woman more than likely wants to know that you want her, yet its important to be tasteful in how you express that.  He told me straight that if I were going to have sex with a man, it should be him.  If I could have dropped my jaw to the floor, I would have. I sighed with relief reading stories of these women who experienced similar things as I have. Some were a bit more outrageous, and all of them were great.  I admire the women who shared their stories and love their Mothers for loving their babies.
How do you feel about blind dates or being set-up by well-meaning relatives or friends?  If you have been on one or have a story to share, I would love to hear it.

much love & aloha

Saturday, December 8, 2012

Organic Relationships

Have you heard the term? It might sound something like, "let the relationship grow organically" or "It's better when its organic." Often coupled with "letting it flow". Sometimes it sounds like, "it just happened organically."

I feel like that means relationships that "fail" or "don't work out" did not happen organically.  When in fact, is it also possible that every relationship happens organically, and much like crops some make it through the storm, some do not.  I find that as I date, I find out a little bit more about myself - the things that truly matter to me.  One fellow I dated had the appearance of everything good - tall, dark, handsome, car, job, smelled good. Yet he was one of the least generous people I knew.  Stingy in all areas. Not knocking him, that's his gig.  For me, I want generous kisses and a man with a generous spirit.  I also get to look at - where am I not generous or where do I hold back.  Hmmm, something to consider... that area may not have anything to do with money.  Perhaps its my time. I get to explore that.  The last fellow I dated was so generous and kind hearted.  I realized how important to me "doing life WITH" someone is. I want to make plans with someone.  He was not at the stage in his life.  Although we enjoyed each other's company, we were not in it organically came to an end.  In retrospect, I can see how much I have grown since I really started dating two (2) years ago, I am clear about what is important to me, what I want, what I like, what I can tolerate, what I won't tolerate, what my deal breakers are, as well as continuously doing things for my overall well-being so that I have a wealth of love and of presence to offer those in my life.   "There is a blessing in every lesson and I am glad that I knew him at all"  ('The Truth' by India Arie )  We get to bless each other, in every relationship, with feedback, with messages, and by being mirrors for one another.  I believe every relationship grows organically, just as it is designed that we grow closer to our dreams and become who we truly are with a greater awareness..

Here is to you and organic relationships.....

Live Love and Breathe Easy

<3 hp

Sunday, September 30, 2012

Demystifying "he/she completes me"

How many of you have spent your time, energy and resources looking for that "one" that  completes you?  I am in the space to address this idea and break it down, especially for those of us who are dating, yet, then again, if you're in a relationship, partnership, marriage and you can glean something, then by all means, glean away.

Why wouldn't we entertain the idea..... the famous verbage quoted by Tom Cruise's character in 'Jerry Maguire' "You complete me".....   or take RnB songs, like Keyshia Cole's "You Complete Me"(You Complete Me - listen to the lyrics)

The idea implies that I am not enough on my own, or that you are not enough on your own.  Its a deceptive road.... because I came into this world solo and I am leaving it solo, so I had better be enough.  Whether you live by a faith in a higher power or not, being complete on our own is where its at.  I believe in a source greater than myself, that I am connected to that source, just as you are... which leads me to believe that I am enough just as I am.  I haven't always thought this though.  I remember adoring a guy whom I was good friends with, convinced he was the one, I wrote in my journal... "I need him"  A year later, I read that journal post only to find that isn't true...and that my real quest was not finding someone to love, or someone to complete me, but rather to find me, to love and honor me.  How can I really love someone else if  i do not know how to love myself?

I have seen the co-dependency in this idea played out so many times.... take the girl who broke up with her boyfriend of fours years because of his drug addiction.... my friend got so lost in the relationship, she lost herself.... so if a relationship completes you, how come she got lost?

Maybe you've seen it too.  Not necessarily in a relationship gone awry either.  How about the married couple.... happily married, and one dies unexpectedly (or expectedly)....  two become one, yes, yet its still meant to be a compliment to what is already there. Two wholes coming together to strengthen the purpose of their existence.  I am in no way implying that the one who remains won't grieve.  I am saying that the one left behind to continue living, have a love for their "self" that compels them to life.

I would assert that a relationship is meant to add to your life, not take away or diminish.... perhaps that's what the writer in Jerry Maguire and the writer to the lyrics of the song intended in meaning.... that this relationship adds to my life....  I am learning, as I am dating,  that I do not need a man to accomplish great things in my life, to be whole, to be enough, because I am all of that already, yet how amazing, and special is it to have another in my life to share that with, to grow with to live life with.  What an honor to share that with another....  no moment is guaranteed... in dating, in marriage, in friendship.

With that said, love you and know that who you are is perfect just as you are....  for all that you are.

Best wishes....

Wednesday, September 26, 2012

Honor in Dating

Honor was an obscure thought for me, something I could not really wrap my head around. I had only heard it in association with "honor your mother and father".... and even with that I did not understand how to.  What is honor?  What is it to honor someone?

My thesaurus says it is to respect or esteem shown one as his due or claimed by one as a right; reverence; homage, etc....

I have learned what it is to honor another by learning how to honor myself.  The importance is two-fold, I learn how to let someone else know how to treat me and I learn how to honor someone else, because I honor myself.  Honoring myself includes understanding my physical, emotional, mental and spiritual needs.  I need rest, nourishment (food).  I need words of affirmation, acknowledgment of what i give or provide in a relationship.  I need (heather) time- hiking by myself, a new pair of heels once or twice a year, space to write, and girl time.  I honor this time for myself.  I honor my needs, and now am consciously aware of others needs as it relates to relationships.  My understanding has removed my attachment to how someone shows up.  Maybe he needs sleep, or time to focus. I can trust that this man  does what he does to be able to provide for what we do together.  Therefore, I honor his time, his need for sleep, to focus.....even if it means delayed gratification of play-time.  Honoring another puts me in a position to focus on giving and sitting in a place of gratitude for what is, versus looking at what's missing.  Honoring yourself and the person you are dating, allows the love energy to flow, and gives each person the opportunity to give from a place of TRUE CHOICE versus obligation.

1. Are you honoring yourself?
2. How can you honor the person you are dating? (in relationship with, hanging out with, etc.)
3. Consider what needs you can honor (with yourself) that you might not have considered.

Tuesday, August 28, 2012

Celebrate a Man today.

I can celebrate men every day, in fact I do....whether it is my brother, my business associate, a stranger I am admiring, a friend, or a man of interest.  Simple celebrations go a long way, they are like love deposits and men NEED love deposits.... those moments I recognize and ACKNOWLEDGE an act of provision, or generosity, or kindness or even better when that man champions a request.  I acknowledge every detail of it. I love watching a man's chest explode while he stands a little taller.  His whole energy and vibration increase.  It's beautiful to watch and experience.  So LADIES, when a man tells you you're beautiful, holds a door open for you, or steps up to bat and champions your request....go on and shower that man with acknowledgment, praise, affection.  Unknowingly, you participate in creating a synergy that overcomes negative forces.  Celebrate a man today.

08/28/2012 hpAlways supporting PAX Programs

Thursday, August 16, 2012

Understanding & Celebrating Our differences

I took on the quest of understanding men about 2 years ago, through PAX Programs.  The subject mater blew my mind and opened my heart.  I "knew" men and women were different, however, I did not really "know" or understand our differences; nor did I know what makes our differences special and worth celebration.  I highly recommend PAX programs to everyone I meet, men and woman alike. Especially single people.  Women easily mistake his silence for not caring and so many other things that we would never do to one of our friends.

Our differences not only lie in men and women, they also have so much to do with our hormonal make-up - masculine and feminine energy.  Many, many, many dating and relationship coaches touch on these subjects.  Why? because they are imperative for our well-being and reaching our greatest desire to create partnership with that person we choose to love.  For the purpose of this blog, I am only touching on PAX Programs.  I will recommend other courses and organizations that I hold in high regard in following blogs.  For now, its PAX Programs, founded by Alison Armstrong.  I love this woman.  She is a great example of what a matriarch looks like.  Her essence is undeniable, she is feminine, she is generous, she clearly adores men (all men in her life)  I have learned so much about honoring men from her and her associates.  I have learned to celebrate men.  Despite a few less than memorable experiences in life that caused me to look at men sideways, I have been able to see to the heart of men through this work.  (*please note there is a disclaimer that this relates to Healthy men).  I have hope that I too can create a deep, loving, meaningful partnership with a man where my needs are met and he feels and knows he is my champion.  I'm not sure I had that before, even as a christian single woman.  I did not have the understanding.  I won't journey down that path for now.  Although, one of my favorite proverbs has to do with "seeking understanding".  I have found in my life that seeking understanding (in all matters) makes a huge difference.

Not only do I see to understand men (Ladies, those things that frustrate us to no end! - you feel me), I also seek to understand women, which is seeking to understand myself.  What makes me do what I do? Why are "feelings" a huge thing.  The findings are astounding and beautiful.  I have grown in my love for myself and embraced my femininity because of this work.

Fellas, if you think your girl is crazy or she doesn't get you.....send her here.  I would also ask that you be willing to hear what she shares as she learns, and perhaps be open to learning some things too.  It's all for our benefit, mutually, and our edification. Cheers to Understanding & Celebrating our Differences.  Cheers to Partnership!

Sunday, August 5, 2012

Perfect Gentleman (Part1)

What makes a perfect gentleman? I can't help but think of the incredible men I know who exude "gentlemen".  They keep their word.  If keeping it isn't possible, they acknowledge it, then get back into agreement.  They make sure the people in their vicinity are well cared for.  Example: My boy & I meet in Downtown LA to shop for items for an upcoming trip of his.  He is visiting from Vegas.  It's hot, by my Cali standards.  He asked me 3 different times if I was okay, or if I needed anything.  Additionally, when we went to get water, he took care of me. Yes, he paid.  I could have afforded it myself, yet that wasn't the issue.  He wanted to take care of me.  No love interest here, just good friends.  What he won, was my respect and complete adoration.  Comments/Suggestions/Opinions?  (all welcomed)