Dating via FACEBOOK - first date tips

You can snarl if you want to, however, love finds its way to a person's heart through any means necessary....yes, even through Facebook.  It is not so strange.... consider "pen-pals"!  Much like the various dating sites on-line, facebook, allows people to connect in a familiar way. We are not here to discuss whether its right or wrong, because what's right for you may be wrong for someone else.  #KnowYourself

Here are a few tips for those of you who may choose to go on a date with someone you meet on FB:


1.  Meet in a public place, preferably during the day time.  And let at least one other reliable person know where you will be.

2.  Set a time frame of no more than two (2) hours.  If it goes well and you both agree to continue sharing time together, then do that.  A time frame lets you be cordial, get to know one another and leave without difficulty.

3.  Trust yourself.....listen to your gut feelings, your intuition... it speaks for our good!  If you feel like something is off, then it probably is. Be true to you.

4. Just BE.  Who we BE, and how we BE says so much more than we ever can.  Be love.  Be kind. Be honest. Be grateful. Be.

5.  Be open.  It may not turn into a spectacular relationship, you may gain a great friend.  However, it very well may be.  When human beings are open to one another and all the possibilities before them, anything is possible.  The possibilities are endless.  Have fun!


If you have gone on a date with someone you met through facebook, let us know how it went; what you learned. As always, I love to hear your thoughts and experiences!

Much love & aloha
hp

Cracked Lenses

If you wear any kind of glasses, whether they be reading glasses, distance glasses, sun glasses, or the like, you understand the difficulty in seeing clearly when the lenses are cracked.  The crack(s) distort the lens, so visibility becomes skewed.  What do you do with those lenses? You replace them with new ones so visibility is clear. 

Our perspective is the same.  We see our reality through a lens. If our lens is cracked, our view is often distorted.  It sounds like this... "all women are gold diggers"  or "all men are liars".... perhaps you can add some more ideas you have heard from friends or expressed yourself.  

How does this happen?  "beliefs" or "programs".....decisions we make about events.  I absolutely encourage every one to explore their belief systems (why are women unsafe to you?  why are men unsafe to you? why do you believe you are unworthy of love).  Despite popular ridicule, therapy and counseling is not ALL bad. In fact, it may be the perfect support for you to work through beliefs you have about women or men, heal wounded parts of your soul, and deal with life now.

Let me give you an example:   I thought men were unsafe. I had good reason. I was physically hurt by a few men. Additionally, I heard from my Dad and other adult males in my life that all men wanted was ....  automatically making men my enemy because I believed them to be "takers" "predators".   Now, there are in fact men who are only out for themselves and don't give a rats arse about anyone else.  Fixing the lens is understanding I am able (YOU are able) to discern and judge for yourself who that man is.  The truth is THERE ARE AN ABUNDANT AMOUNT OF BEAUTIFUL MEN who are givers, who are kind, who are loving, who are loyal, who love their mothers and have great integrity.  

Getting to ^^^^^ this space, came with some work.  I didn't arrive at, oh, I can go out into the world and be safe over night.  YOU have to put in the work, look in the mirror and sort through what is real and what is made up based on an event in your life.  Acknowledge abuse.  It is real. It is harmful. It is hard.  Learning to discern between safe and unsafe is not always easy, yet it is WORTH it.  YOU deserve to live in the NOW of your life.  You deserve to see what is in front of you for what it is, not what you see through those cracked lenses.  You deserve the relationship of your dreams. You deserve to feel safe in a relationship. You deserve to be loved and to love. If your lens is cracked, repair it or replace it with a new lens.  

Cheers to your healing, to a new lens, to love.

As always, I love to hear your thoughts, your stories, your experiences.  Leave a comment.

Much love and aloha,

hp

1st Dates

I don't know about you or where you are located on the planet, but here in Los Angeles, it is HOT!! I am not a fan of triple digit weather.  I do enjoy the necessity for sundresses though. Summer equals more reasons for pedicures, pretty nail polish, sundresses, shorts and things.  Summer nights are my favorite!  Maybe because I watched the movie GREASE at such a young age.  I loved their summer romance.

I am still reading If The Buddha Dated by Charlotte Kasl, PhD   Chapter 23 covers 1st Dates, which I found encouraging.  I'm going to give you a few bullet points from the chapter (which I highly recommend reading anyway).  The perspective is a spiritual one, which leads the reader directly to the essence of who we are, which is where we really want to be with the one who is our beloved - being our true selves.

1. Remember 1st Dates are just a moment in time - let go of the attachment.  It can be anything, yet it will more than likely be fun when you can BE present to the moment.

2. You are simply meeting to see if there is a possible fit - no pressure... no who you are, what matters to you, pay attention to the conversation.  You are gathering data. Do any of your deal breakers come up?  Are you experiencing any red flags?  Its okay.  That's what the date is for.  You might find that you two are better suited as friends.  You might find that you need to RUN away as fast as you can.  You may find you'd like to go out again.  Its all good.

3. Always meet in a neutral place with lots of people - yes, even if you've known each other forever.  Romance can change the relationship.  Coffee shops, other public places, allows for you both to be yourselves, with less pressure to be someone you are not.  Give yourself an hour or two limit.  If you fit, it will naturally lead to more time.  No hurry.

4. Show who you really are - if you are naturally outrageous and funny, be that way.  If you are naturally quiet and cautious, be that way.  Be yourself - "being yourself is an act of faith and self-love". Great unions come when we show our authentic selves, the being behind the masks, to one another.

5. Trust yourself and your instincts - your intuition is your guide.  If something feels off, now is not the time to ignore that.  Pay attention to the flow you are experiencing.

6. Have fun, and remember, its all a passing show - yes, have FUN.  :)


As always, I love to hear your thoughts, your experiences and your point of view!

Thank you.

Much love and aloha,

hp

Crawling in Love

The full moon escorting us into summer is marvelous. It energy is magnanimous.  I wish I were nearer the ocean to watch the tides.  Welcome Summer 2013!

I am reading "If the Buddha Dated" by  Charlotte Kasl, Ph.D.  It's my second time reading it through. I am enjoying seeing how I've grown from the first time I read it 3 years ago to now.  Chapter 21 is titled "Crawling In Love: explore the benefits of staying conscious".  

At first glance, the title did not resonate with me, nor did it make much sense.  In fact, the first time I read the book, it flew over my head.  Yet today, it makes so much more sense to me.  The author says something about erring on the side on the turtle.... like go slow.  Let my mind be as involved in the process as much as or more than my body and all its chemicals are.  Yes, because lust at first sight is DECEIVING.  

How many people do you know that RUSHED into a relationship because "they had to be together".... only to find that outside of "the loving" they don't even really like each other?  How many of YOU have found yourself in that space?  I have too.  Its exciting, there's a huge rush, and a bit of fixation on the subject.  Along with the excitement is the down times.  Dr. Kasl suggests that when we "project the image of The Perfect One onto our new love interest, it implies that we are incomplete the way we are".  She also says that "Crawling in love is about staying mindful and aware".  

Crawling in love - an idea I am marinating on... building a relationship with another human being based on shared experiences, without all the distractions or being a hurry.  We owe it to ourselves to build wisely with each other, right?  

As always, leave a comment, share your experience, or let us know what you think. It is always good to hear from you.

much love and aloha,

hp

p.s.

"One of the biggest mistakes many of us make in looking for the right partner is judging that person to hastily.  Sharing your thoughts and feelings with one another may create a strong mental and emotional resonance that will spark sexual resonance.  Gradual attraction may actually be more genuine than "lust at first" sight." - Barbara DeAngelis, 'Are You The One For Me'

How About We

Happy Summer Solstice!!!  Summer nights are my favorite part about summer, than and barbeques.  :)



How About We   is another dating site, yet it is not the same set-up as Match.com or Okcupid or e-harmony.  Instead of being "matched" up on suggestion, YOU the dater, get to suggest date ideas; then go on group dates, meet people, and make a connection if it fits.  Sounds like a great way to ease into new situations and find someone whom you enjoy doing things you both like with.  I am a bit skeptical about on-line dating, the variables make me nervous, yet this sounds like a great way to ease into situations, meet new people or bring friends and meet new people, and do things I like to do.

A friend of mine told me an encouraging story about someone she knows that found her love on How About We.  Lady "S" joined How About We apprehensively, not wanting to date forever, or waste a lot of time. She is clear about what she wants - a life partner, companion, marriage.  She created her blurb, which didn't get too much attention.  A few weeks in, she found a gentleman whose blurb caught her eye.  Someone planned a wine/tapas event for a group of people.  She went, met another guy within the outing.  They kept in touch. She decided she wanted to get to know him better, and since they both liked doing the same things, spending time together flowed easily.  The guy asked her to be his exclusively committed monogamous girlfriend.

I don't know about you, but that encourages me. It can be challenging getting to the real person to even know if you want to continue getting to know them or date them.  As I've talked about here on the #Dating101 blog, knowing yourself and being true to yourself is important.  Relationships test that.  Relationships are also supposed to nurture us; being with someone you like to share your time with is huge.  No one is saying do every little thing together, however, if you like road trips along the coast, and he like backpacking in the wilderness, but you aren't able to come to the middle once in a while...well, Houston, we have a problem.  I find that life is amazing. Sharing it with people we care for makes the hard, difficult, challenging times, worth while.  Being with someone whom you want to share your time with, well that's priceless.

Although I haven't given this site a shot yet (I get so nervous), I felt it reasonable and relatable enough to give it a shout out.

As always, let me know what you think. I love hearing from you.

Much love and aloha

hp

Write Down Your Deal Breakers on Paper

Lists.... everyone has written one at some point in their life.  Many people write a list of the qualities that matter most to them in a mate.  Every list is important to our growth. Yes, our growth.  Relationships are primarily about our growth.  Some people have the great privilege of falling in love with their mate at an early age and get to grow with them until death parts them.  Some people go through a series of relationships.  Some people steer clear of relationships all together.  Every relationship has its purpose, yet the choice to dive in is always ours.

I have found so much understanding in the relationships I've co-created the last few years.  I understand myself, and for that I am grateful.  Each person has taught me something about me, I believe we have been essential mirrors for one another in our journeys.  I have a solid list of qualities (not merely, he has to be fine and a NFL superstar) which are fine if that's true to you.  I am proud of my list.  I covered everything that matters to me: emotionally, spiritually, mentally, financially, and the like.  It's a great list!  All the while, there is another list I had not heard of until a dear friend mentioned it to me when I was ending a relationship.  Ms Sarah Ross (of Sarah Ross Coaching ) asked me what my deal breakers were.  I must have had that Scooby Doo look on my face.  We got together and I wrote that list.  It has helped me honor myself.  The little voice that says, "its okay that he does xyz, its not that bad" gets NO CREDIBILITY because - YO, that's a deal breaker.  Essentially they are boundaries, and every healthy relationship has boundaries.  Boundaries allow for true choice.  Have you written out your list of deal breakers?  If so, awesome. I'd love to hear about them!  If not, here's a few hints on what to put down:

1) be honest and true to yourself

2) no limits... yes, it can be the most ridiculous sounding thing ever (ex: must not live in the backwoods) <--- yes, a real deal breaker for me

3) be specific  (ex: must not be a drug addict or smoke cigarettes)

4) consider your emotional and physical needs (YES, they matter).  (ex: stingy with kisses & stingy with everything) <---- real deal breakers for me

5) go all out, this is YOUR life.


Feel free to comment, I love hearing from you.  Also, you are welcome to ask me more questions about my list (it cracks me up).

If you would like more information on deal breakers or coaching on your relationship, you can reach Ms Sarah Ross at SarahRossCoaching@gmail.com.

Much love & aloha
hp

'Love Lessons' by Paramjit Kaur

We have the great honor to have guest blogger Paramjit Kaur share her experience and view point on dating with us.  Paramjit Kaur is an esteemed author and brilliant writer in general.  You can connect with her on her blog  Finishing Foreign

Love Lessons

By Paramjit Kaur

“What is the clicking thing, you keep talking about?” The woman said to her daughter then turning to her friend, “I don’t understand, every time we introduce her to a nice boy she spends five minutes with him and then says, ‘we just didn’t click mom’. In our day there was no ‘clicking’ we just got married.”

This could be an excerpt from a Bollywood movie script but it was actually a conversation that took place in a kitchen in London in 2002 when I was visiting family. The girl whose name I have since forgotten was in the process of having an arranged marriage.

Thirty-three and single, no arranged marriage for me, as an Indian woman I have past anyone’s expectation of ever getting married. Never mind my successful career, education and the fact that I have written a novel that will be published; in the Indian world’s eyes I’m a lost cause.

In my eyes, I’m one tough cookie! I haven’t folded under the pressure of culture, family and constant ridicule. Instead I have created my beautiful life and found freedom to find love.

Finding love isn’t easy and can feel nearly impossible when you’re lost between the Indian and American cultures. From all the bumps, bruises and scars I have earned on this journey there are also so many love lessons.

Sometimes you just have to cross the line. After spending most of my life keeping my dating life from the world, keeping my heartbreaks and even my joy to myself  I realized that’s exactly how I behave in my dating life. Half in and half out; never 100% committed to anything except keeping my “good Indian girl” facade up as a shield. Until I realized that I was never fully committed to anything but a meaningless facade (FYI dating doesn’t make you a bad Indian girl) I couldn’t be in a successful relationship. Crossing the line from the safe world I know of tragic relationships to a world of possibility, now that’s exciting enough to make my stomach summersault!

It’s the moments and memories that matter. There is something to be said about all those beautiful moments that I can reference when things don’t look so bright. Laughing that real full laugh in a bar across from the man I loved, a walk at the Berkeley Marina, a first kiss at Coit Tower, the list can go on. Love, like memories, doesn’t fade, it changes shape and takes on new forms. Those memories of love, they matter and those moments make me the woman I am today. They remind me of the times when I was open to the possibility of loving and being loved and therefore know love is possible and that there are more memories to be made.

Trust your intuition. For a long time I ignored that nagging feeling that was telling me “something’s not right.” Trusting myself was probably one of the hardest things for me for a myriad of reasons, and something that I still struggle with today.  Once I started trusting myself is when I finally realized I could trust the people in my life. Knowing what I want in a relationship and trusting that little voice inside that says “this isn’t it” or “RUN” has really put me in control of my (dating) life. I have stayed in disastrous relationships because that nagging feeling wasn’t a “good enough” reason to leave. Today I trust the most important voice, mine.

Dating and the relationships we end up in are colored by our life experiences. I am grateful for all the lessons that have helped me brave the journey to finding the love that is meant for me.

As for the girl in London, I think had I been paying attention she was teaching me these lessons way back then. She had hilarious stories of the men her parents had introduced her to, she trusted her intuition and she for sure was crossing the line every time she said “we just don’t click.” I never did find out if she got married and if so, if they clicked. 

As always, please leave a comment and let us know what you think, or share your experiences with us!   Cheers to your dating!

much love & aloha
hp