I come from a family well-endowed in co-dependency, common for the alcoholic family. Although my parents aren't alcoholics, the patterns they learned in their life-time continued. I am grateful for it. I learned a lot about codependency, how I play into it, how it effects me/my relationships, how it supports the opposite of what I want in my life. The pattern itself has taught me, much like Jesus, to look at myself before going buck wild putting all the blame on someone else. It has also taught me to recognize where responsibility lies. I am not responsible for how someone reacts or responds to my truth; I am, however, responsible for sharing my truth. Both parts are important in dating. Knowing yourself and knowing the individual you are dating is necessary, as is being willing to look at your self through that person's eyes. Relationships flourish when we are willing to do this.... to communicate, to share our experience of the other person with them. No one is perfect. Maybe something I am doing appears "normal" or "okay" to me, yet to that person, it comes across completely different. Their perspective matters. I can learn something in these situations, so the talking, albeit uncomfortable, is a gift. How the conversation is delivered can make a huge difference too! We all have feelings. We all deserve to be honored, loved & respected.
I find that speaking from the first person perspective when sharing my feelings is helpful, because i want people to hear me without all their defenses going up. I am looking to amend a situation, not burn a bridge. Example: when you hung up the phone without saying good bye, I felt sad and unloved. I wish you would say good bye, then I would feel loved. - leave room open for conversation. He or she may not know how to do whatever it is that feels like love to you. We can teach each other how to love each other. The humility in looking at myself, allows me to hear someone.. and when I love someone, I want to honor them. I don't want to hurt them.... The truth is, most of us are the same. Granted, there are people whose minds won't allow them to relate in a relationship; they are unable to have a healthy relationship (example: drug addicts, alcoholics, gamblers, some mentally ill people). I am not speaking on such things.... Although there are ways to have relationships with people in that station as well.
Humility, is that space of looking at myself in the mirror..... what did I do to create this situation? How am I being in this relationship that he is defensive? Is it his life experiences (which it could be - many people build walls after being hurt and not dealing with the wounds)? Am I being loving here?
I know in dating, it is not always easy to say, let me look at what I'm doing here, or more importantly how I am "BEING" in the relationship. Am I being defensive? Am I being disrespectful? What's his, what's mine and how do we come to the middle?
Well, the truth is.... the only one I can work on....is ME. I can be loving. If baby isn't supposed to be part of my story, it will become apparent. I can be kind, gentle, honest, loving, forgiving, etc. I can admit my wrongs and make amends, when possible. I can grow and be different. All that to say, we can create the relationships of our dreams. We can also aid the folks that come into our lives in becoming the best version of them possible. It just might be that he or she isn't your future, yet your relationship is the situation GOD sees fit in sharpening him/her for his/her future. What an honor!!! Be true to yourself. Honor yourself. Love sincerely. Pray for one another. Be humble. Be love.
As always, feel free to share your thoughts, your stories, and the like.
much love & aloha.
hp
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